Be unapologetically you

My buddy Shannon called me last week to get my perspective on a girl he’s been crushing on for months.

“I’m crushing so hard on this girl and she doesn’t respond to me at all,” he said. “It drives me crazy. I know she’s busy with her new job and I’m not trying to force it but daaaaaamn.”

“Hmmm…” I said. “How often do you hang?”

“We’ve hung out a couple times and it’s amazing when we’re together but then she’s impossible to get a hold of,” he said. “We’ve been playing these games for months.”

“Have you asked her out on a date yet?” I asked.

“Well she’s hard to get in touch with…” he said. “And I’ve tried but…”

“Shannon!” I said. “I don’t need to tell you how amazing you are. Have you put yourself out there and asked her on a date yet?”

“No…” he said disappointedly.

“You know what you want,” I said. “So let’s get creative on how you get it. If she’s not into you then at least you’ll know so you can let go and move forward. But put yourself out there and be unapologetically you in the process.”

“Good point,” he said. “To open yourself to be vulnerable and triumph, that is to be a champion.”

“YES!” I said. “Exactly!”

“So what should I do?” he asked.

“Easy,” I said. “Live the ‘chivalry is not dead’ and ‘be a champion’ philosophy you preach and send flowers to her office with a note that makes her smile.”

“Yessssss,” he said. “Imma go do that now.”

“Good,” I said. “Keep me posted.”

When faced with the fear of rejection, it’s easy to get caught up when we meet someone we’re interested in. It’s natural to wonder whether or not the other person will like us and how we can influence that perspective.

But in the end, if real, true and lasting love is what we’re looking for, our only choice is to be unapologetically ourselves—to embrace our insecurities, step forward with our quirks, and show the other person all sides of us.

In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says that real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. He says that if we try to change them, then we don’t really love them.

Our aim then, is to find someone who we don’t have to change at all—and who doesn’t want to change us either. How we get there is by fully living our truth, unapologetically, each and every day.

Another buddy of mine was visiting me in Boulder recently and his approach was quite the opposite. I observed him spend an entire weekend playing text games with some “hot girl” in town, a girl he never ended up meeting up with.

“But I want to win!” he said. “She blew me off and now it’s about winning!”

“What’s the point?” I asked.

How we play the game—whether it’s from a place of truth (love) or a place of winning (fear)—directly impacts who we attract into our lives.

The choice is yours. Be unapologetically you and eventually attract someone who loves you fully as you are. Or, pursue for pursuit sake and attract someone who loves to play that game too.

So what happened with Shannon and the girl?

Well, it turns out chilvary is not her thing. She said she’d “walk all over him” because he’s too nice. Not right for her, but maybe just nice enough for another lucky lady who magically entered his life the next day and helped him ring in the big 3-0 birthday.

Either way, keep doing the right thing and it’ll all fall into place.